


Laugh, I Nearly Died

by wizened_cynic



Series: Dress Your Family in Kevlar and Armani [2]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-02
Updated: 2012-09-02
Packaged: 2017-11-14 21:05:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/519497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wizened_cynic/pseuds/wizened_cynic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The continued misadventures of one Beatrice A. Rossi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Laugh, I Nearly Died

**Author's Note:**

> Again, for [CottonCandy Bingo](http://cottoncandy-bingo.dreamwidth.org/). The prompt was "pillow/soft toys." This is mostly self-indulgent fluff kidfic than anything else.

Being a kindergarten teacher is probably the most emasculating career one can embark upon, says practically everybody Jonah has come across.

Jonah disagrees. "Hello, remember Arnold Schwarzenegger? _Kindergarten Cop_?"

"Really?" Lindsey says dubiously. "All the Arnold Schwarzenegger movies and you're going to go for that one?"

"I don't think I would make a very good robot killer."

" _Cyborg assassin_ ," Lindsey corrects. "God, sometimes your lack of knowledge in fictional killing machines from the future makes me worry that our relationship is in jeopardy."

"Yeah, but I put on a mean puppet show," Jonah points out.

"That you do," she replies, putting her hand against the nape of his neck to bring him in for a kiss. "So, when can I meet David Rossi's kid?"

"Why do you want to meet his kid?"

"I don't really want to meet his kid. I want to meet _him_. I want to meet his wife too, she's Ambassador Prentiss' daughter."

"So ideally, you want me to hook you up with one of my students' parents ---"

"--- while you babysit the kid? Yes. Totally."

Lindsey is a double major in criminology and international relations, which makes her the biggest, creepiest fangirl ever to exist. Jonah told her that once, and she agreed with his assessment. Then they made out on the floor next to Jonah's lessons plans for the month. While his lips were traveling somewhere between Lindsey's navel and hip, he promised to let Beatrice's Dad know that she was a fan if he ever had the chance.

The truth is, Jonah's had plenty of chances. Beatrice's Dad --- Jonah doesn't think of him as David Rossi, FBI profiler agent crime writer whatever Lindsey likes to call him; to Jonah, he is Beatrice's Dad, that's all --- picks her up from school almost every day and after exchanging pleasantries, they would discuss what Beatrice is excelling at (knowing her letters, counting to 100) and what she needs to work on (using her inside voice, sharing). There's just never been an opportunity for Jonah to casually slip in, "By the way, my girlfriend has a giant crush on you and wants to talk to you and your wife about serial killers and foreign diplomacy, do you want to make it a double date? Maybe invite your mother-in-law as well?"

It probably would not be a good move career-wise, and Jonah actually _likes_ his job, even if it pays next to nothing and earns him absolutely no respect in the eyes of the rest of the world.

He doesn't like lesson plans though, and by this time of the year --- three weeks until summer vacation --- he can't be bothered. Another great thing about teaching kindergarten: when push comes to shove, you can generally wing it and nobody can tell. He's already let the kids have an extra fifteen minutes of Free Time and when that dissolves into anarchy, he gathers them in a circle and takes out his ukulele (which, Jonah admits, is not the manliest of musical instruments). He lets the kids choose what they want to sing and they settle on two rounds of Jingle Bells and then something by Lady Gaga.

Next is Show and Tell, another exercise which does not require a lot of effort on Jonah's part, aside from coaxing some of the shyer kids to take their turn. He asked them to bring something that is special to them to show the rest of the class and as anticipated, there are a lot of soft toys, a picture of a newborn baby brother, a locket with a wisp of hair in it that is bound to be lost before the end of the day.

Then, of course, there is Beatrice Rossi.

"Okay," she says, looking at Jonah for permission to start. "Can I go?"

Jonah gives her a nod. Beatrice reaches into the shopping bag next to her and holds up a thick hardcover titled _Into the Abyss: Inside the Minds of America's Most Prolific Serial Killers_.

Before he can react, she flips the cover open and for a minute Jonah is paralyzed with the fear that she will begin reading a passage about John Wayne Gacy's crawl space.

Then he remembers, thankfully, that Beatrice doesn't know how to read.

"This is my daddy's book." Beatrice points to the dedication page. "He wrote it for me. That's why it says here, 'To my daughter, Beatrice.' That's me."

"Ooooooh," the class echoes indulgently.

"He wrote another book for my mommy too, and it says 'To my wife, Emily.' And he wrote ones for Nonna and Carolyn and Zoe and Angie, but my mom doesn't like those ones as much."

Hunter puts up his hand. "What's your daddy's book about?"

Beatrice is stumped. "I'm not sure."

"Are there pictures in your daddy's book?" Rosalie asks.

"I don't know," Beatrice says. "I'm not supposed to read it until I'm grownup."

Rosalie, who Jonah can already tell is going to be a pain in the ass in middle school, adds, "It has to have pictures. All the good books have pictures. If it doesn't have pictures, it means it's not a good book."

"It's the _best_ book." Beatrice scowls.

"Then why aren't there any pictures?"

"I don't know if there are pictures. Let me see."

Jonah _has_ read this book and he knows for a fact that there _are_ pictures, most of which are crime scene photographs of dead and dismembered women that have no business being in a kindergarten classroom. He jumps up, nearly knocking Rosalie over, and takes the book from Beatrice before she can traumatize herself and her classmates with its contents.

"Thank you for sharing, Beatrice," Jonah says, slamming the book shut and tucking it under his arm. "This book is very special indeed." ( _Please don't read it until you're at least eighteen._ ) "Now, who wants to go next?"

He is still trembling with adrenaline as one of the Jakes take his turn and shows off his firetruck, a gift from his grandfather for his latest birthday. Jonah places the book on a high shelf that none of the kids can reach and the rest of the morning passes by without a hitch.

When Beatrice's Dad comes to pick her up --- Beatrice's Mom shows up too, Lindsey will be so fucking jealous --- he takes them aside and explains what happened. "So, while this is a fantastic book, Mr. Rossi," Jonah finds himself rambling, "I don't really think it's, um, appro --- I don't think we're really at that reading level yet. We're just sticking with the basics right now. Dr. Seuss, Eric Carle, that kind of thing."

Beatrice's Mom has her face in her hands, but Jonah can tell from the way her shoulders heave that she is laughing. Beatrice's Dad looks partly amused and partly mortified, and Beatrice is having the time of her life now that she has the whole sand station to herself.

"I'm so sorry," Beatrice's Mom says when she's finally stopped laughing.

"There's nothing to be sorry about," Jonah says. "And hey, it's a cool book. Fascinating read. My girlfriend really likes it. I'm just going to make sure to be very specific about my instructions when it comes to Show and Tell from now on."

"No books about serial killers," Beatrice's Dad muses.

"No live animals," Jonah adds.

"No dead animals either, I'm guessing," Beatrice's Mom says.

"That has . . . not happened yet," Jonah says. "But that is definitely going onto my list of things not allowed in the classroom."

"Good idea," says Beatrice's Dad.

At this point Beatrice interrupts, weaving herself through her parents' legs to jump onto her mother. "Mommy, can we go home?"

"Just a second, sweetie. We're just finishing talking to Mr. Jonah."

"Mr. Jonah, did you like my Show and Tell today?" Beatrice asks.

"I really liked it, Beezus," Jonah tells her and he thinks, _I really need a drink._

"You can have the book," she says magnanimously. "We have lots at home. They all say, To BEEZUS!"

That does remind Jonah of one thing.

When Lindsey gets home, he shows her the newly-autographed copy of _Into the Abyss._

_Dear Lindsey,_ it says, right underneath Beatrice's name, _A cyborg assassin has nothing on your boyfriend. Yours truly, David Rossi_.

Jonah is so getting laid tonight, he just knows it.  



End file.
